Advent Children told in Limericks
by redcherryamber
Summary: What it says in the title. The plot of Advent Children told entirely in Limericks.
1. Chapter 1

**I was working on 'Advent Children on a Budget' - which has been sadly neglected of late - when I got distracted by Limericks running through my head. They wouldn't go, so I wrote them down.**

**Pure silliness, once again. This tells the whole plot of 'Advent Children' (not 'Advent Children Complete', although I may add verses about that later). Every verse should be a Limerick, although the metre breaks down in places. **

**Warnings: two examples of 'language' ^^ and I am shamelessly biased in favour of Rufus and the Turks (especially Reno) - so if they seem to be getting too much attention - that's why! **

**The one advantage of this is it's actually finished. **

**I'll try to post all three parts at once. **

**Nothing is mine but the bad rhymes and dodgy scansion.**

* * *

**More Silliness**

**The Whole of Advent Children - Limerick-style**

**Part One**

The pounding of paws on the ground:

Nanaki and cubs run around.

The landscape is green

Ancient ruins are seen –

The sense of renewal's profound.

x-x

498 Years Earlier:

x-x

We cut to a chopper in snow.

Not much can be seen here – although

We're supposed to infer

From this black and white blur

Major plot points - but how - I don't know.

x-x

Marlene summarises the past:

ShinRa, Sephy, and Meteor's blast.

And this brand new enigma

They call geostigma,

With stills introducing the cast.

x-x

Now Tifa's gone back to her bar

And she's still busting out of her bra –

But Cloud's done a runner

So being a stunner

Has not really got her that far.

x-x

Poor Denzel is terribly ill

But no one's come up with a pill.

Reno phones, and sounds worried

But Cloud won't be hurried –

He's moping about on a hill.

x-x

Three remnants, who look like each other,

Await their black sheep of a brother.

Loz and Yazoo

Trade an insult or two,

But Kadaj only cares about Mother.

x-x

While Cloud fights with Yazzy and Loz

Kadaj asks to speak to the boss.

There is no more to say,

So all three ride away,

Leaving Cloud at a bit of a loss.

x-x

At Healen, Cloud has little truck

With Rufus' tale of hard luck.

Things have changed, and it's weird –

Geostigma – Rude's beard –

Reno's suddenly pretty as f***!

x-x

In Aerith's old church in the slums

Tifa searches for Cloud: Marlene hums.

Loz arrives and plays rough

And, though Tifa is tough,

She's out cold when Cloud finally comes.

x-x

Now Reno and Rude try to fight

But are totally pwned by Seph-lite.

"But, Sir, _surely_ you see

The resemblance in me?"

"Sephiroth?"

"By Jenova – you're right!"

x-x

(In this scene, it must also be said

That both Tseng and Elena seem dead.

And the part in the snow

At the start – so you know –

Was Jenova (Turks finding her head).)

x-x

Marlene's gone, Tifa's hurt, and Cloud's sure

That he simply can't cope any more.

Geostigma and guilt

Cause our hero to wilt

And he helpfully faints on the floor.

x-x

Cloud comes round on a bed. Tifa's there –

Kids are not. Rude enquires, "Don't you care?"

Cloud barely replies.

Pissed off, Reno just sighs

And departs, with a toss of his hair.

x-x

In the meantime, far off in the trees

Kadaj and his gang shoot the breeze.

"This materia's cool –

Get the kids in the pool.

What will Big Brother do when he sees?"

x-x

Cloud's finally got on his bike.

He has flashbacks upon the turnpike.

He will no longer dally

Or shilly or shally,

"Though I'm not fit to help…" _What's he like?_

x-x

Then suddenly everything's white

And Aerith is there in the light.

"You came – though you're breaking!"

Cloud's poor heart is aching:

"I just want forgiveness – all right?"

x-x

Versus Loz and Kadaj and Yazoo,

Cloud enters a skirmish or two:

Loz is strong, Kaddy's jazzy

With Souba, while Yazzy

Looks pretty, and does some Kung Fu.

x-x

Then Vincent arrives – shout horray!

And his swirly red cape saves the day.

But Cloud is depressed

By his lack of success:

"See – I knew I'd be useless!" _Oy vey!_

x-x

Then Vincent, who seems well informed,

Explains that Jenova suborned

Mortal folk, with the curse

Of the stigma – and worse –

Sephiroth's coming back! You've been warned.

x-x

(Oh – we also learn here, by the way

That he saved Tseng and Laney - so - Yay!

Their ordeal in the cave

Almost led to the grave

But he _thinks_ that they'll both be okay…)

x-x

Cloud's phone – as it sinks in the pool –

Plays voicemails from one and from all:

Cloud's friends – they all care –

And the last message there

Is from Aerith: _Don't blame you at all._

_x-x_

**(_Author's note: are there folk who agree_**

**_That the phone scene is genuinely_**

**_Quite sad? I admit_**

**_I get blinky – a bit -_**

**_When I watch it. Or is that just me? _)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Part Two**

Back in Edge, Loz and Yazzy cause fear

When they make Shadow Creepers appear.

Any folk who complain

Are not heard from again –

And then everyone's screaming. Oh dear.

x-x

Enter Reno and Rude from the DAR.

"And what are _we_ up to?"

"Where's Ma?"

"That info's classified!"

"So – you've something to hide!"

Then it's Yaz v. Reno's EMR.

**(AN: you have to say 'dar' not D.A.R. and 'vee' not versus. The scansion's horrible enough here as it is! Oh, and inFO and ReNO. I should rewrite the whole verse – but I was so happy to have ended a line with EMR! XD)**

x-x

Kadaj has wheeled Rufus up high.

Rufus says things repeat, by and by:

"So bring it all on –

Never had so much fun!"

You've got to give props to the guy!

x-x

But Kaddy just laughs like a drain

In a way that's not _totally_ sane

And he points at the sky

With a glint in his eye…

Oh look. A Bahamut. Again.

x-x

The monster descends to the square

While Denzel stares into thin air.

The bloke in the hat

Stands and gawps like a prat –

Which…is what _I_ would do, were I there.

x-x

But Tifa remembers the past

When she used to be cool and kick ass

So she whacks monster dude.

Meanwhile, Reno whacks Rude,

As they both bravely scarper – quite fast.

x-x

Then everything's blasted to hell.

Bits of city are flying pell-mell.

At the heart of the square

There is nothing but air!

What - that _beautiful _sculpture? Oh well.

x-x

But good Turks can never be beat

Rude and Reno are back on their feet

And fighting at last

(Though they're pretty out-classed)

Still, they'll never admit to defeat.

x-x

Little Denzel tries fighting alone

(Don't worry, he's soon safe back home).

Then Barret is there,

And Cait Sith (if you care),

And Vincent, who's seeking a phone.

x-x

Nanaki appears – Yuffie too –

And Cid, with the _Shera_, brand new,

They rush into the fray:

It seems like yesterday -

_Almost_ all the old Avalanche crew!

x-x

But wait – there's a bit of a hitch!

For one of them's missing – but which?

Oh for crying out loud

Please don't tell me it's Cloud!

_Now _what's keeping that son of a - gun?

x-x

But look – here he is – oh hooray!

It's Cloud – and he's back – and okay!

Marlene's home at the bar –

Yay – Cloud Strife you're a star!

Now the fighting can get underway.

x-x

So the monster is fought. What's to tell?

Our heroes perform really well.

Yes -_watching_ the fighting

Can be quite exciting -

But _writing_ it bores me to hell.

**(AN – I'm lying. I don't find watching it that exciting either.)**

x-x

Back to Rufus – and what do we see?

Is he up on his feet? Can it be?

And what's that in the box?

Oh yeah – Rufey-babe rocks!

Is _anyone_ cooler than he?

**(AN – who cares about grammar at a time like this?)**

x-x

Kadaj feels all lost and alone:

It's hard when you're just a poor clone.

But Rufus - so cruel

(Though impossibly cool) -

Smiles, and says, "_A good son would have known_."

x-x

But – back to the fight with the beast.

Cloud's doing his best now, at least.

And all of his chums

Lend a hand – up he comes

As fast as the lightning that's greased.

x-x

Then everything's suddenly steady

And Aerith's voice simply asks, "Ready?"

Then what do you think?

It's all done in a blink,

And Bahamut Sin? Yes, it's now deady.

x-x

Rufus throws Mother into the air

(Kaddy's _fire_ almost scorches his hair)

And he's _still_ having fun

As he whips out his gun

Can nothing diminish his flair?

x-x

Kadaj and his bros almost fly

So they're fine falling out of the sky

But Rufus will splat

If he keeps on like that –

Can nobody save him? Oh my!

x-x

But just when your heart's standing still

Here's the cavalry over the hill!

Yes it's Tseng and Elena

To save him from danger

With some net-guns they have – as one will.

x-x

So it's Turks Reunited - three cheers!

But there's no time for hugging or tears.

Look – they're getting away!

There's no time to delay!

That was only the first round, my dears.


	3. Chapter 3

**Part Three**

From here on, it's mostly big fights,

But I guess there are certain highlights.

We start with a chase

With Kadaj in first place

Then Cloud, Loz and Yaz – all on bikes.

x-x

Poor Cloud really needs to break free –

Kaddy's stealing a march, we can see –

But he's stuck in a tunnel

Which isn't much fun –al-

though things will get worse, believe me.

x-x

Cut to Reno and Rude looking hot.

Are these bombs Shinra-made? Maybe not.

But Rude's promising flashy

(_Could_ be taken as slashy)

And Reno is smiling – a lot…

x-x

Then Cloud whizzes past at a dash

"What's that?" thinks Yazoo. There's a flash.

Rude was right – it _is_ bright

Fireworks light up the night!

So the remnants are dead? Don't bet cash…

x-x

Cloud! Kadaj! Look out guys – the road's – Oh.

So they fall to the slums far below.

But the stigma is gripping,

Jenova starts dripping…

It's as if someone's hit Cloud with _slow_.

x-x

It's the church! And now they have destroyed

Aerith's flowers – boy will she be annoyed!

But her fountainy spell

Makes Cloud suddenly well,

As the forces of good are deployed.

x-x

Aerith speaks out of the pool.

Cloud runs down Kadaj on a wall.

"I'm a puppet, it's true,

But then, once, so were you!"

Snaps Kadaj, "And I'll win after all!"

x-x

Then the _Shera_ appears in full flight.

Vincent tells them that this is Cloud's fight.

When Yuffie asks why

Vincent says, with a sigh,

"This way's much more dramatic." He's right.

x-x

So Cloud and Kadaj start to spar,

Showing off just how agile they are.

When Kadaj starts to slip

From his one-handed grip

On the building, reunion's not far.

x-x

Then Kadaj is with mother at last

And changes are happening fast:

Sephiroth's standing there

With his madly long hair,

Looking just like he did in the past.

x-x

"Good to see you," he says, with a smile

That would send sane folk running a mile.

"I'll outline, if I can,

My ingenious plan,

You'll have to admit, it has style.

x-x

"I will sail through the cosmos, it's true,

Til I find a world shiny and new,

Where the future is golden –"

"But what of the old'n? –

_This_ planet?"

" Well – that's up to you…"

x-x

_So – no pressure_ – thinks Cloud, with a sigh.

He's fully expecting to die.

_They're wanting a lot_

_When a SOLDIER I'm not – _

_But – I might as well give it a try._

x-x

(I expect there are people who know

Proper terms for each parry and blow,

And the names of the bits

Of Cloud's sword – how it fits.

I'm afraid I'm not one of them though.)

x-x

But – they fight. The sky darkens. They chase

Through the old ShinRa tower at a pace.

Sephy says, "On your knees…"

Oh – yaoi writers – _please!_

This isn't the time or the place!

x-x

Then Sephy sticks Cloud with his sword

And smiles, "May I have a quick word?

Tell me all those you cherish

I'll make sure they perish:

It'll keep me from getting too bored."

x-x

But that was the wrong thing to do -

Cloud's strength is returning anew:

"Oh Seph – you're a fool –

See – I cherish them _all_."

After that, it's game over. Woo hoo!

x-x

"Now get lost," Cloud defiantly said.

"And only remain in my head."

"_No! I won't ever be_

_Just some old memory!"_

"Oh f*** off! And remember – you're dead!"

x-x

Kadaj is used up. He just crashes.

His vision is coming in flashes.

Aerith tells him it's fine

To cross over the line.

Cloud watches him scatter, like ashes.

x-x

It seems as though everything's done.

Cloud stands in the rain feeling numb.

And then out of the blue

He is shot by Yazoo

Who believes they should all be with mum.

x-x

In Edge children come out to play.

Aerith's rain takes the stigma away.

Rufus Shinra is cured

(And he gives us his _word_

That he'll be a changed man from today…)

x-x

But life isn't done with Cloud quite –

He has to return from the light.

He awakes in the water

Near his 'wife', 'son' and 'daughter'.

"You see," Aerith says, "It's all right."

x-x

Zack waves, Aerith smiles, and they're gone.

And now 'Advent Chidren' is done.

(If you want any more

ACC is in store.

It has extra scenes – and they're fun!)

x-x

**Author's note: Thanks for reading – and phew!**

**This one was quite lengthy, it's true.**

**If you feel so inclined**

**It would be very kind**

**If you'd write me a little review ; )**


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